Collide
by Sandrine C
Summary: What do you do when the past catches up to you? The history of Narnia was about to unfold as intended. Ramandu's daughter was to wed King Caspian, until an uninvited guest arrives.
1. Chapter 1

**Collide**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do own them.**

An ice-cold feeling ran through her veins, paralyzing her, as the heard the collective gasp behind her. She willed herself to turn around but she could only do so halfway, enough to see her groom wear a mask of complete shock. It was it was his eyes that confirmed her worst fears and broke her heart.

"_I thought she was never to return!"_

"_She's so beautiful, much more than this stranger our king brought home!"_

"_Oh, the poor lass, she's too late!"_

"_No! It's the other one that's to be pitied! She's got no hope now that the queen is back. You saw them kiss before haven't you?"_

"_Look at the king, seems like he still loves her after all!"_

Murmurs echoed, clashing with each other, all such painful things to hear. She wanted to cover her ears with her hands but they would not move. She could only breathe—inhale, exhale, one after the other.

It took all her strength to force her body to twist and finally see for herself if her deepest fear had indeed materialized.

She blinked, as if doing so would erase the mirage but the Gentle Queen was there. The expression on her majesty's face mirrored the one she imagined on her own face—shock, disappointment, agony and love.

Queen Susan's jaw was clenched, her fists closed as they hung limply on her sides, as she stared at them. She seemed to be contemplating the decision—fight or flight.

Ramandu's daughter watched as the queen closed her eyes and took a deep breath, seemingly trying to calm herself. The queen opened her eyes, looked at her groom then at her, giving them a small nod before taking a most lonely seat at the very back with her hands clasped together on her lap. She sat still, stared ahead and dealt with the rising noise of conversations around her with such grace only a true queen could muster.

Hope began to flood her body with warmth until the king placed a hand on her arm, stilling the sensation and allowed her to remain frozen once more. King Caspian offered her no words, just an apology with his eyes.

It was something he had to do, his eyes tried to tell her. She is queen of Narnia; she does not deserve this welcome. We can wait, can we not?

She understood even though she did not want to. She wanted jealousy to possess her just so she could rage and demand what she deserved, what he owed her on this day she expected to be perfect. History, she knew, would never be kind to one who has not done anything for Narnia but the very least she knew she deserved some dignity. It pained her but out of love for him she would agree to his request.

But the unspoken question was rhetorical. He did not wait for her acquiescence for he had already taken steps away from her, towards the queen. She could hear the clock ticking. It was as if the world had already begun counting the moments when he began to slip away from her. She could do nothing but watch helplessly. Fight or Flight. She chose the latter as she ran from her own wedding.

But no one saw it, not even the groom. For all of Narnia was consumed with watching the reunion of the king and queen, an event they did not expect but were all secretly hoping for. She was the only one who did not witness as the king approached the queen, an unbroken connection between them as they stared in each other's eyes, and bow before her. She did not see how he hesitantly held a hand out to his old friend, the same one that touched her skin moments earlier. She did not see how the Queen refused it but stood up and allowed him to lead her away from the crowd.

She kept running, farther and farther away, as if the distance would chase away the wound inflicted on her heart. She found her way deeper and deeper into the forest until she had strength no more and she merely lay on the ground, beneath the canopy of the trees. The sunlight filtered weakly from the intertwined branches as the hope faded from her. It was not a battle she should be fighting for she could never measure up to his one great love.

It was not something he ever mentioned himself. She had assumed that perhaps it was simply a past he had gotten over, unfinished business that could be brushed aside. It only dawned on her much later that it was raw pain that stopped the king from even mentioning her name, save for the one time he told her a tale about their second visit to Narnia.

However, this affliction of his was not shared by the rest of Narnia who openly talked about this Queen Susan. Maybe to compare her love for their king or merely to reminisce, they told her of how they met in a time when Narnia was in dire need of saving. They regaled her with stories of how they fought side by side and how he saved her. But the one story that shook her, the one that told her of the depth of it all, was the one the king himself told her, the story about how he realized he was in love with the queen.

* * *

_He was imperfect but to what extent he did not understand at the time. Their night raid was a failure and he was a lesser man back then. He gave in to the lure of greater power—he unwittingly agreed to bring back the White Witch. The ritual began and his fear began to grow but the Pevensies came, all but one, and ended things in the nick of time. He was filled with shame finally realizing what his weakness could have cost all of Narnia. And then she came, spoke no words, bestowed only a look on her brother and then stared into his eyes. Her disappointment was palpable and it struck him, much sharper than the blade on his hand. His blood pulsed in his body, driving him to run after her, his mind composing the most eloquent apology but his heart stopped everything, for it felt the guilt of being unworthy of the queen's forgiveness._

_He sat alone outside Aslan's How as dusk settled on Narnia. He had wanted to sort out his emotions and find a way to forgive himself for what he had done. He dissected every second, every action but he found himself going back to that single moment when she looked at him with piercing blue eyes reflecting his regret. Even as a memory it affected him to his very core and it planted the seeds that fueled him to become a better man. He saw her as the symbol of Narnia, goodness that must be repaid not with betrayal but with the courage to do what was right. He had assumed that was it and that was why he was affected, it was that simple. But deep down he knew this was a matter of the heart that extended farther than nobility. He was still haunted by the look in her eyes and it remained to have power over him as strongly as before. _

_It was then he realized he sought redemption in her eyes for he wanted his love returned. He kept spinning circles in his head because he missed the most important detail of why he felt tortured by his mistake. It wasn't merely that he failed; it was because he failed _her_. In the days he spent with her, the desire to see her unharmed had grown and become second nature to him. He would do anything in his power to protect her. Instead he went ahead and almost put her in greater peril by bringing back a powerful enemy. It tore him apart that it was his own hand that put her in the direct path of danger._

_

* * *

  
_

To the king it was a memory to be relished, a great reminder of his love and a continued motivation to be good. But to the daughter of the star, it only brought lancing pain, as she understood the fact that Queen Susan would always be first in his life, with her as a far second. For the man she loved, spoke like it was not a thing of the past but a reality that will last as long as his heart was beating. His quest for redemption, to be a man worth of this queen, was a lifelong commitment that he had sealed even before he went on the Dawn Treader. The star's daughter never stood a chance. A pained smile graced her face as she realized that it was when he told his tale that she understood how much she had fallen for him.

She pieced together all she knew of them. Theirs was an epic tale, a meeting that defied the odds but crashed as reality set them on different paths. She laughed bitterly as she realized that even living in different worlds did nothing to diminish their love, as she was witness to earlier. Her own tale with the king paled in comparison. But her heart refused to let her give up easily; already it was closing in on her mind, pushing it to find ways to still make it work. Her breathing quickened as panic rose once again, her heart trying to beat its way out of her chest.

'Stop, just stop,' she said to herself as she closed her eyes.

Calm took over and she gave in to a deep slumber, untainted with dreams or nightmares. She slept peacefully and when she awoke she was disoriented but refreshed. She stood up, prepared to walk back but she found herself already in her room in the Telmarine castle.

She looked frantically around her and saw a scene that caused her heart to beat faster. She saw her gown laid out before her, everything else she was to wear, just as it was yesterday.

"My lady, it is time to get ready," said the voice that accompanied the gentle knock from the door.

"For what…" she whispered.

As if she was heard, the voice continued, "Must prepare for your wedding now, my lady."

She gasped, not wanting to believe, waiting for the ground beneath her to cave in. But her fears already started to vanish and her heart filled once more with joyful anticipation of what was waiting for her.

It was only a dream.

* * *

**A/N: A one-shot for now. Still thinking if this can become a full-length story :) Hope you like this!**


	2. Stand Still

**Stand still**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do own them.**

**A/N: So I've decided to add another chapter, where it goes from here we shall have to see. There's a song I've included that you might want to play as you read that part—Cry by Kelly Clarkson. Anyway, hope you enjoy this. :) (It's quite longer than usual.)  
**

Four years after and it still felt like yesterday. He had grown in age and in wisdom, so did his heart mature but it never completely healed. He never expected it to, but he did accept that one day he would have to move on, for his sake and for all of Narnia, and that happened to be today.

The crowd was becoming restless as they waited for the bride which made him smile to himself. He expected to be the one filled with nervous anticipation but instead he felt calm. In his mind everything made sense that he would be marrying this woman, it was logical even. In the year that he took time to get to know her, he saw her kindness, patience, generosity and grace. She supported him silently when he made tough decisions concerning his people. She listened as he told her about his day, his problems and his hopes. Theirs was an easy relationship, overflowing with comfort and respect.

The eastern wind blew through the crowd, rustling the leaves of the tree behind him. He turned around and stared at it as if waiting for it come alive once more. It was a wish he could no longer hold on to when he makes that vow to the daughter of the star. From then on, the gentle queen would be dead to him and only a memory of the prince he used to be.

These were the facts and he learned to take them as they were. The warmth of the sun spread through him as he resigned to the future he chose. He plastered a smile on his face as he saw his bride finally emerge at the end of the aisle before him. There was no turning back now and for once he didn't feel the urge to live in the past.

King Caspian watched his bride close the distance between them, her face aglow with the hope of their future life together. His happy expression was frozen on his face, hoping that it somehow matched hers, trying to muster up the sincerity to match it. For now, it was enough to try, he thought. He'll work on the rest later when he could teach himself to forget Susan completely.

He took her hands in his when she reached him. They faced each other, exchanging unspoken encouragement before facing the man who would perform the ceremony. The couple smiled warmly at the man, the groom slightly disappointed that it wasn't the great lion himself to bless this union. They waited for the words but the collective gasp of the crowd was what sped to their ears.

It was the king who turned first, hand on the dagger hidden beneath his clothes, switching to a defensive stance. He surveyed the scene before him and saw there was but one intruder that all stared at. A lady dressed so simply, brown hair flowing on her shoulders and down her back. The king relaxed his grip on his weapon as he watched the uninvited guest clench her own fist.

It was a moment that the king would later feel ashamed about. For the second their eyes met, he allowed time to stand still and in his mind only the two of them existed in all the worlds. He allowed himself to imagine that the woman who seemed so unsure right then was the bride he was waiting for all his life.

It brought him back to that moment when she fell from the archer's vantage point when they battled the Telmarines. He held his breath in the seconds it took for Trumpkin to catch her hand and swing her to safety. He forgot about the war going on around them and he was consumed only by knowing she was alright.

Instinct told him to rush to her side and vanquish her unease. As the reigning monarch, he felt he needed to extend that courtesy to the gentle queen. As the friend he believed himself to be, he desired to comfort her knowing the confusion this must bring to her senses. But it was a deeper call that he wanted to answer. As the man who loved her, he wanted to deny everything and run away with her that very moment.

Queen Susan broke the spell that held all in attendance in a trance as she sat down resolutely in the last row. She folded her hands in her lap and stared ahead as if expecting the ceremony to continue as planned. With a practiced air, her exterior was calm and graceful as every guest ought to be, ignoring the excitement that unfolded around her.

The king regained his senses and remembered his place. He was the groom and his bride was stoic beside him—_his _bride. Caspian swallowed the lump that formed in his throat but still he could not find his voice. He could only look at her and hope that she could understand that the queen deserved an explanation and that the wedding needed to be postponed. This sacrifice had to be made if only to honor the arrival of such an important person. He placed a hand lightly on her arm to plead, to convince both of them he was doing this as king.

However, the man who loved the queen overtook every noble intention as he took one step after another towards the back of the crowd. This man waited for no answer for his heart was the only master it could listen to. Once more everything drowned into oblivion as he sought the person that left him four years ago. Reason left him as he failed to notice his bride escape from it all in a manner so uncharacteristic of her. He only saw his hand be rejected by the queen as he offered it to her. He only felt his elation when she allowed him to lead her away so they could speak in private. He only heard his voice say out the name he forbade himself to speak for so long.

"Queen Susan, you have returned."

The unexpected visitor merely nodded with a polite smile on her face. "I apologize to have disrupted the ceremony. Had I known…," she said trailing off, her clenching her jaw as she forced herself to continue, "had I known I wouldn't have come."

"No!" Caspian objected to the thought of her reluctance to return, his mind catching up a few seconds later, "I mean no, we are glad that you have come under any kind of circumstance. I only wish we could have welcomed you properly."

Susan gave a pained smile at his casual use of the word 'we,' instantly assuming he referred to himself and his bride.

"It is no longer my place, your majesty. I do not return to rule Narnia. I expected no grand welcome and I wish only that you had proceeded as planned," she said forcing herself to smile.

Caspian blew out the breath he did not know he was holding and answered his queen. "I would have halted an entire war to honor your return your majesty. What you wish is not something I am prepared to give, even if I could promise you the world."

Susan's vision swam before her as tears dared to break the barrier that she put in place. These were words she had long wanted to hear but what she had witnessed reminded her it was no longer her place to deserve such promises from him. Caspian belonged to another, even if the ceremony had been interrupted. She returned to a time and place that never meant to include her and it was evident in everything she saw.

But the resolve of the queen was stronger and she managed a dignified reply, "I decline any sort of welcome and ask that you give me this. My return here is not worth of any pomp and circumstance. Honor instead the future queen of Narnia and mother of your heirs. I can offer only my congratulations and joy that you have found your way as King of Narnia."

Her subtle reminder was not lost on him. He understood with perfect clarity his message to him. Reality was a burden they must bear, but separately for the innocent was undeserving of such cruelty.

"Thank you, your majesty," he replied softly, "Please excuse me, I must now leave you to talk to my bride. I will send someone to prepare your room and anything else you may require."

"I cannot impose…" Susan began but Caspian held a finger to her lips, light as a feather's touch but powerful enough to render her silent.

"I insist," he said simply, letting his hand fall to his side, wishing he could do more than just that.

When she nodded, he bowed to her and turned to walk away. He concentrated on walking for he knew might not be strong enough to do much else. His will was crumbling as quickly as he breathed and only calmed when he was outside of the castle.

He walked towards the woods after ascertaining from one of the guards that his bride ran in that direction. It was unlike her to behave in such a fashion that his worry began to grow. Her calm nature always prevented her from doing anything remotely irrational that Caspian expected nothing of this sort from her.

He concentrated on finding her, tracing her steps, and in finding the words to explain what he could not yet fully absorb or understand. The rapid turn of events and emotions did very little to help him. He could not clear his mind save from the challenge by his dear friend Trumpkin that echoed in his mind. The dwarf was a staunch supporter of the kings and queens of old and by extension felt that only the gentle queen was worthy of his love. King Caspian wanted to drown out the sound but the voice in his mind was joined by his own heart.

"_Is it merely out of convenience that you chose to love her? Or is it like with the queen of old that passion never gave you a choice in loving her?"_

His immediate answer was to deny that it was only for convenience, enumerating the many praiseworthy traits of the lady in question. Trumpkin merely countered that deserving love does not mean you will obtain it. It is not something that can be measured and defined simply by traits or characteristics. It was something that defied even logic itself. More often than not, it is not something we can choose. It just happens.

Caspian shook his head, even more confused. He repeated in his mind the case he built on why he should love the daughter of Ramandu. He recalled the day that he met her and when he expressed to her that he would like to know her better. He recounted the moments that they spent on the countryside talking about his voyage on the Dawn Treader and his joy at being home. He loved her, for all the right reasons, he repeated to himself like a mantra until he saw her lying on the ground asleep.

"Seraphina," he called out to her, placing a hand on her cheek, "wake up."

She stirred and opened her eyes, tear tracks lining her cheeks. Guilt washed over him as he was unsuccessful in wiping them away as they were imprinted on her face. He had hurt her when she never asked anything from him. She did not ask for him to propose marriage and promise of a peaceful life and he did it freely, knowing the truth in his heart.

He knelt beside her as he helped her sit up. Seraphina felt fragile in his arms and he blamed himself for it. It was as if she had no will to stand on her own but her voice was firm when she spoke.

"Is the queen alright?" she asked.

Caspian leaned back in surprise that of all the questions she chose to start with that.

"Yes," he replied nodding, "I have arranged for them to tend to her needs."

"Good, she must be exhausted." Seraphina replied calmly, a sheer contrast to how she looked at the moment. She gently extricated herself from his grasp but did not move to stand up.

Caspian closed his eyes and placed his head in his hands. The lady before him reached out, unable to resist the need to comfort him even when her own feelings were in conflict.

"I understand that you love her," she said simply. He looked at her and offered no response. She gave him a pained smile in return knowing the truth from his action.

"I understand as well that it is not something that will remain in the past for the queen has returned, for how long this time none may know but Aslan himself. What I know is this; the choice of whom you should love is yours as is the decision to still love you and want to marry you is mine. I will not give up my king, not until you tell me there is no hope for us." Seraphina said.

King Caspian could not answer, torn between upholding the honor of his word and that of Seraphina versus the queen he thought he had lost forever. He wanted to understand everything, analyze it all, before making that commitment. He longed to simplify everything by just turning back time and return to the point when Susan was walking with Aslan knowing that the look she gave him was the prelude to the goodbye he received soon after. He wanted so badly to never have even known the name of the girl on the island, wishing that she remained known to him only as Ramandu's daughter.

But the reality was already a lifetime away from these childish dreams and it fell on him to make a decision.

"I gave you my word my lady," he replied slowly, his mind dictating the answer his heart refused to give, "I apologize for the pain this must have caused you. I will follow through with my promise but I beg for time to have things settle down."

It was well within her right to ask for a date and time but her nature was pacified by his reply. It was enough to help her stand on her feet and face the people who waited for them.

Caspian rose to his feet as well and offered his arm to her, which she took out of habit. She expected the gesture to comfort her, especially since she felt so exhausted, instead it allowed her a glimpse of the king's wounded heart. She felt the effort it took to hold on to her and give her the place he so wanted to give to another. She wiped a tear before he saw it fall, smiling quickly allowing him to remain innocent of her imperfection, of the inner selfishness that she rarely allowed to see the world. While they were still away, she wanted to pretend that he loved her with all his heart and that they were truly meant for each other.

* * *

The sun had almost set on Narnia when the King and Seraphina reached the gates of the castle. The orange glow cast a shadow on the balcony where Queen Susan watched as they arrived, arm in arm. She bit her lip, determined not to cry. She needed to be strong but the physical wounds she bore refused this.

She fingered the blood that seeped through her dress where she pressed her hand. Susan hissed as the wounds all over her body throbbed in protest of being restricted in the gown she now wore. The queen closed her eyes as she remembered how she forced the hand of destiny and fought her way back to Narnia.

_She was on the deck of the ship going to America, a land of hope or whatever it was the brochure said. For her it was the chance to forget Caspian ever crossed her path. She rolled her eyes to counter the feeling of foolishness as she remembered the kiss she planted on an unsuspecting King. It was her way of saying goodbye, she had said to herself to explain her impulse, but it backfired because it chained her to the possibility of a future with him in Narnia. _

_The ocean was all around her and the words Aslan said on the day they left crossed her mind. The Telmarines came from an island, they came from this world but they stumbled into Narnia. The wheels turned in her head as she calculated the odds that she too could chance upon the same portal. _

_Adrenaline coursed through her and she stopped thinking. She eyed one of the lifeboats and deviously lowered it until she could paddle away. She felt lucky and invincible as no one even noticed her missing. She laughed until she realized she had no direction and even less hope. Her rashness cost her food and water, ultimately nutrition for days. It wasn't long before she drifted in and out of consciousness._

_She was right about one thing—she was lucky for she drifted ashore on the island she wanted so badly to find. The beach was deserted and it was there she stayed until sleep abandoned her. In a haze she explored the island, thinking that maybe the Telmarines lived here and she could ask for help. She walked deep into the forest, the branches scratching her deeply as she could not walk straight. Like a drunken man she plowed ahead, lacking the strength to even call out. It wasn't long before she stumbled upon the passage. It was so dark yet so alive with creatures she would never be able to remember. They clawed at her, wanting to feed on her, but she fought them with the little strength she had somehow knowing this was the right path. Her mind was set only on emerging on the other side that she gathered enough strength though she bled profusely._

_Susan collapsed at the mouth of the cave, her blood soaked clothes shredded beyond recognition. She had wounds all over her body but she could feel none of it as she blacked out._

_She did not see but she was certain Aslan came and breathed life into her. It may have been days since she arrived but she awoke clad in a long flowing tunic that hid all her wounds. They were fresh still but did not bleed as profusely as before. She felt calm and had enough energy to journey to Caspian, the reason for her journey._

_She walked for miles as fast as her injuries allowed, eager to be home at last, wondering how she would start her tale. Susan imagined that at first he would be shocked but he would of course be excited to see her. She played it out in her mind how he would tend to her, being extra careful over parts where the cuts were deepest. He would protest when she would request that they take a walk in the gardens, he would say that she should rest. Eventually, she would be of help to him in matters that affected the kingdom. She would be his partner at last. She fantasized of the family they would have and the moments alone they would share for years to come. Every step she took was to bring her closer to that life but things were never that easy for a Pevensie._

She laughed bitterly recounting how the physical wounds became of little concern than the pain that shot straight to the heart when she crashed the wedding of her king. Susan felt increasingly foolish as the seconds went by as she realized that she destroyed the well-laid out plans of the universe for all of them.

The queen stared at the blood that stained her hand, touching her fingers together, smearing the blood on them. In the end, the only thing that mattered is that she has proven to herself that she loves him and she cared not whether he loved her in return. His happiness was the only thing she dared want at this point.

The girl, whoever she was, loved the king. She knew this was truth for the eyes that stared back at her this morning could not bear a falsehood. The bride wanted to marry the king for the right reasons and though she knew Caspian first, she had no right to stand in the way of that commitment. She did not intend to.

"_It is no longer my place, your majesty"_

Her own words haunted her as the decision was made in her mind. It was no longer her future to be his wife and she had to accept that.

_If anyone asks,  
I'll tell them we both just moved on  
When people all stare  
I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk  
Whenever I see you,  
I'll swallow my pride  
and bite my tongue  
Pretend I'm okay with it all  
Act like there's nothing wrong _

It would not be easy to act the part but she would try until the hurt became a part of her, something she could live with. People will talk, as she already knew from what had happened earlier, but it would not matter. She can shut them out as easily as she could shut her eyes at night, when she sought refuge in her dreams. With Caspian, she will be the Gentle Queen and nothing more. Around him, she cannot be Susan Pevensie for she can no longer love him.

_Is it over yet?  
Can I open my eyes?  
Is this as hard as it gets?  
Is this what it feels like to really cry?  
Cry  
_

Mornings would be the hardest part, she thought to herself. Getting out of bed and finding the will to do it all over again—that would be the challenge. But she would do it for him. Susan understood that this part she played would be pivotal in convincing him it's okay to move on with his life. Their chance is gone, she would tell him, there's only the future with his bride to look forward to.

_  
If anyone asks,  
I'll tell them we just grew apart  
Yeah what do I care  
If they believe me or not _

Trumpkin, she knew, would be the hardest to convince that she was doing fine or at least holding on to her sanity. Her friend had approached not long after the king had left. The dwarf shook his head as he noticed the tiny pricks of red on her clothing, knowing that beneath it laid the wounds the king failed to notice. Tears fell from her eyes as she realized that more of her pains will go unseen by the one person who can heal her.

_  
Whenever I feel  
Your memory is breaking my heart  
I'll pretend I'm okay with it all  
Act like there's nothing wrong _

I've done it before, I can do it again, Susan said to herself allowing the memories of the past year in London come back to her where she allowed her siblings to believe she thought nothing of Narnia or Caspian. She pretended to throw herself into life in London as if it were the most natural thing in the world. When memories of Caspian saving her invade her mind, she will think nothing of it. When she remembers the tight embrace he gave her when she was about to leave, she will pretend like it never happened. It was easy to live the lie but believing in it was another matter entirely, and she dared not go that far.

_Is it over yet?  
Can I open my eyes?  
Is this as hard as it gets?  
Is this what it feels like to really cry?  
Cry _

The dam broke and she fell to the floor as the sobs racked her body. She shook violently as the tears flooded their way out of her, her mouth open in a silent wail. The pain overwhelming her that she asked for all feeling to go away, wondering how much worse it could get. She wanted to be numb so she could function. The queen allowed no sound to escape as she wept for the love she still felt inside for the king who held someone else in his arms.

_I'm talking in circles  
I'm lying, they know it  
Why won't this just all go away _

Aslan looked on, his own heart aching for the Daughter of Eve. He knew what she endured to return and what she still faced, a battle she had to go through alone. His love for her wanted to save her from this pain but he allowed her the freedom to choose her future and now they both had to watch it unfold. He knew that when the time came, she would come to him and he would give her all the love he could but it still would not be enough for it was not what her heart needed. In the distance, he roared so that at least in his own way he could share the grief of his child.

_Is it over yet?  
Can I open my eyes?  
Is this as hard as it gets?  
Is this what it feels like to really cry?  
_

Caspian watched her crumpled form from the gardens below, his own tears finding their way down his face. His heart felt like it would explode from the myriad of emotions that choked it. He heard Aslan's roar and he broke down where he stood. The blessing he wanted from the great lion turned into a sound of agony that he could not fathom. His entire being screamed for release from the pain that engulfed him.

"_The lies will start tomorrow; tonight they will suffer through their love together."_ Aslan said as he roared a final time for the grieving king and queen.

* * *

_-song is "Cry" by Kelly Clarkson_


	3. Aftermath

**Aftermath**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do own them.**

Every movement required a prayer to hold on to what was left of her. Finally, the queen felt numb, at least enough to open her eyes. She stared at the ceiling, not really seeing anything, her mind devoid of any thought. Susan blinked when her eyes felt dry and breathed when her lungs asked for it. She waited for the waves of pain to crash on her but they never came for she did not allow her mind to reach for the memories. One by one she locked out every emotion, a skill she had learned back in London and mastered only now. She chose to exist in the moment than to live for it was the only way to shut out the pain.

Her entire body ached, from the unnatural fetal position she cradled herself in as she wept to the wounds that had not yet healed. But the pain that kept her from rising to face the day was the knowledge that all hope for a future with the king had been extinguished. Unlike when she was in London, it was no longer just because she was not in Narnia but a fact because he was betrothed to someone else.

The light slowly filtered into her room as the sun rose gloriously over her new home, urging her softly to go on with her life. Her reluctance to do so was evident when she finally decided to sit up and let her feet touch the floor. One foot before the other, she walked slowly to her personal bathroom.

Everything was laid out for her—clothes, a circlet and a warm bath. None of these held her attention like the mirror by the side of the room. She walked towards it, enthralled by the stranger that faced her. Tear stains on both cheeks, eyes rimmed red and a blank look on the face. The lady in the mirror tilted her head when she did, reached out with her hand when the queen did, and traced the image of the sadness on the mirror at the same time.

Susan forced her lips into a smile but the mask she wore was not yet strong enough and it crumpled as the tears fell again. She sank to the floor, her knees folding beneath her as they did the night before. The day had not even started and already she was exhausted.

"Enough," she whispered.

Susan's palms faced the floor as she pushed herself up, forcing herself once more to face the mirror.

"Enough!" she said forcefully, her eyes blazing

In a sudden fit of rage, she stripped down all her garments as if they were suffocating her, grasping the clothing until she was free of it. Susan gasped when she saw in the mirror the state of her wounds. Patches of blue, yellow and purple where the skin did not break but were bruised badly, streaks of deep red where wounds were slowly healing and matted spots of bright red where blood had seeped out from cuts that were still too fresh.

The queen clenched her fists in an effort to control her rage. She blamed her foolishness for all of this—the pain she inflicted on herself, on Caspian and the innocent one. Ah, the unnamed woman who had captured her king's heart. She smiled bitterly thinking to herself how she can compare to a spotless woman, seemingly more gentle than the queen named so herself. She looked and felt as scarred as if she waged a battle alone.

She lowered herself into the bath, hissing as the water touched the cuts on her body. Susan scrubbed furiously wanting to erase all the traces of all that she had endured in the past few days. She wanted to drown out all the voices in her head that taunted her, at the cost of even more physical pain as she cleaned her wounds. It was easier, she realized, to concentrate on the physical throbbing of her injuries than the one in her heart.

The queen watched as the water turned pink, evidence of her suffering—the blood she sacrificed to be in Narnia, to return to the king. She rose and put on the clothes laid out for her, making sure it was on perfectly. For everyone to believe the charade she will be forced to put on the moment she stepped out the door, she had to play the part as if it were truth. She put the circlet on her head and looked herself over in the mirror. Save for the empty expression in her eyes, she could almost recognize Queen Susan the Gentle. Almost.

* * *

The king had every intention of continuing with his routine—breakfast with Seraphina, an endless array of meetings and the like with his council and then some time alone for physical training. It was supposed to be just one of those days, when things were slow and he could afford to go through the motions without worrying too much.

But things never go as planned, not always anyway. He stepped out of his room to see the queen turn the corner, seemingly in a hurry. Instinctively, he became alert, fearing she was running away or that she was chasing some danger or another. He picked up his pace, half sprinting after her. He was about to call to her when he saw her stop to ask one of the guards something—directions, he assumed.

He followed her out, staying a few steps behind her, hidden from view but close enough to observe that she was slightly limping. It bothered him but he grew more curious about the direction they were headed. He smiled when finally she stopped in the middle of an archery practice field, picking up the closest bow and arrows she could find.

The place was still. It was early enough that no one was eager to train and the queen had all the luxury in the world to take aim. Caspian watched from under the shade of a large tree, still away from her sight. His smiled dimmed, as she put down her bow, unable to fire. The smile faded completely as he watched her take shot after shot, missing the target completely, hitting it anywhere but the bulls-eye.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Trumpkin approach and he held up his hand to stop the dwarf from disturbing the queen. He saw his friend's eye widen in surprise at the sight of the queen, as she grew more and more frustrated with every shot she missed. The king shook his head and walked towards Susan.

"Master Trumpkin," Caspian said softly, hesitating, "I'll bring her to breakfast. Just please keep Seraphina company for now"

"_I'll make this right, please just give me a few minutes with her," _were the unspoken words that Trumpkin understood as he nodded and turned around.

King Caspian took a deep breath and aimed, hitting the target dead center—her target. The queen gasped but willed herself from turning around to face whoever shot the arrow. Susan closed her eyes, counted to ten before opening them again and walking towards the target. She pulled out each of her arrows, doing it slowly, leaving the one the king fired for last.

Caspian followed her and retrieved his own weapon.

"Good shot," she said by way of greeting, the corners of her mouth turning upwards with Herculean effort on her part.

"Thank you. I had a good teacher, the best in all the history of Narnia." Caspian said simply, hoping she would hear the thinly veiled compliment

Out of habit or maybe in that second she forgot her sorrows, Susan laughed out loud, a sound that rang so true that Caspian could not help but join in. A warmth spread through them; connecting them again in a way only few people could understand. The queen glimpsed their old and easy friendship, holding to that image hoping that it would be enough for her to get by.

"May I request that you join us for breakfast?" he said, unable to keep the hopefulness in his voice as he half expected her to turn him down.

She nodded and walked beside him, ignoring the arm the king offered for her to take. The king took no offense knowing her stubborn nature well enough. Then, he noticed it again, the slight limp as she favored her right leg.

"Your majesty, are you hurt? You're limping." Caspian inquired as concern clouded his features

"What? No." Susan said waving it off, "Just slept the wrong way that's all. It should go away soon enough."

He nodded but she knew he didn't believe her. She sighed and offered a more acceptable answer, closer to the truth but still not revealing it.

"I'll tell you someday. I…I'm not ready to tell you yet but when I am, we'll make a day out of my storytelling. Maybe we'll even laugh about it, just not today. Please." Susan said, trying to sound light about it for she didn't want to see him care anymore. It wouldn't help her now to know that he still had feelings for her.

They entered the dining hall much as two acquaintances would, with enough distance between them to signify to an unwitting observer that there was nothing beyond friendship there. To the future bride and to the dear little friend, they saw the unnatural image of two people resisting the magnetic pull that drew them together.

Seraphina and Trumpkin stood as they entered, heads bowed in respect. Caspian gestured for all of them to sit down, introducing the two women formally. He did not watch Susan who proceeded to take the farthest seat away from him, beside Trumpkin. They began the meal in silence, each one taking a portion of the food they desired. The queen watched the other woman as she served Caspian in a practiced manner, obviously knowing what the king liked best or what he preferred to stay away from. He behaved the same way, pushing more food to her, quietly noting that she is too thin.

Normalcy. Domesticity. These were the words that popped into Susan's mind as she watched the exchange that the couple did not even notice anymore. She gripped her fork tightly trying to fight her emotions from getting the best of her as she saw before her what she missed when she left. She saw how she never had the chance to get to know him on this level, the kind that you only understand after time spent together in peace. Her heart ached for she did not know how his normal day was, what interests occupied his mind or the simple thing of favorites. It was not something you learn when everything around you is fraught with urgency of living from one moment to the next, when the threat of death hung in the air you breathed.

Trumpkin placed a hand lightly on hers, a small gesture to remind her to loosen her hold on the utensil in her hand. In a move to diffuse the mounting tension, the dwarf spoke candidly about plans for a new library for the school the king had founded in honor of his professor.

"It should be quite interesting, for the Telmarine children to finally learn about the entire history of Narnia. Don't you think so Queen Susan?" Trumpkin said, nudging her to join the conversation.

"Yes quite interesting." Susan nodded, saying only what she felt was necessary

The dwarf rolled his eyes, exasperated with her reaction. He knew his friend was better than this. She was stronger than this and it did not sit well with him that she wasn't even trying.

"I want to rebuild Cair Paravel, with your permission my queen." King Caspian said quietly eliciting three different reactions in one statement

Trumpkin was ecstatic. It a project worthy of jubilation, and certainly this would be something that would help his queen recover. He heartily approved the suggestion with a slam of his fist on the table.

Seraphina's ears only heard how the king addressed Susan. _My_ queen. A term that he was supposed to be using for her by this time, but instead she was once again forced to wait. She pursed her lips and did not react for this was something that came with her decision to love him still. She had to accept him, for all the good in him, his imperfections and his history—including his love for the Gentle Queen. She merely allowed her eyes to search for the other woman's take on what the king said.

Susan's eyes widened as she heard the same words the star's daughter did and it made her heart soar for a brief second before it crashed once more. But what brought tears to her eyes was the offer to rebuild her old home, the old glory she shared with her brothers and sister. It was a link to her past, to the family she left behind and the king's way of mending her heart. It was something so beautiful in her mind that her own refusal shocked her.

"I cannot give it," Susan heard herself say. It took a few moments to recover but she was able to reconcile the thoughts to her words.

"The gesture is generous and much appreciated, your majesty, but I refuse on the account of the perfectly functional structure you have here and the resources you will take away from more important matters that will build this kingdom will be far to great a sacrifice if only to resurrect what is already in the past. King Caspian, Cair Paravel has served its purpose and time itself has allowed it to fall to let another stronghold be the beacon of hope for this kingdom. There is no need to live in the shadow of the past, we must all move on." Susan said meaningfully, rising as she said her parting words.

The queen nodded her head and left them, leaving a trail of unanswered questions in her wake. Seraphina was astounded for never had it crossed her mind to openly contradict the king even when she felt that he was wrong. She never had the courage to speak so openly before him. The star's daughter, who was highly regarded never felt equal to the king whom she adored. And though she was no longer the reigning monarch of Narnia, Queen Susan had no troubles telling King Caspian exactly what she thought for she had the king's respect. Caspian trusted Susan. It was as simple as that. It was a reminder of the bonds forged in battle, when they fought side by side, knowing how it was to listen to commands, to read the actions and what was being said between the lines. It was something Seraphina could never touch, even if she spent a thousand and three hundred years with Caspian. She would never be able to even touch the vow Caspian and Susan made to protect each other's lives when they battled the tyrant.

"Your majesty," Trumpkin began, "surely you can convince Queen Susan? I'm sure she'll see the merits of the proposal given enough time."

Seraphina cleared her throat, speaking calmly to sound as neutral as she could, "Yes my king, I think we should try again. Perhaps in a few days, when the shock of recent events have died down."

The king shook his head, "No. Leave her be. She has said her piece, I choose to respect that and I'll only act if she changes her mind on her own accord."

Silence reigned over the table as Caspian stood up to leaved, disturbed by the turn of events but determined to follow the lead of Queen Susan—an almost direct order to move on. And so he shall.

Seraphina sat quietly before the dwarf who seemed unsure if it was alright to abandon the lady before him. Clearing his throat, he made a gesture with his hand as if to say he was going as well but Seraphina chose that moment to ask something that has been bothering her.

"Master Trumpkin, wait." Seraphina requested as she composed herself, "I just need to know. The horn that the king always has on him, does it belong to Queen Susan?"

It was a question the dwarf did not expect and failed to understand the significance to the daughter of Ramandu.

"Please tell me, " she pleaded.

"Yes," the dwarf said nodding slowly, "it belonged to her but she's left it in his possession since."

"Thank you." Seraphina said quietly, a smile on her face designed to mask the crestfallen expression she wore inside

She had heard of the legend of how it would call back the kings and queens of old but what she witnessed everyday was the hope of a man latched on that object, that it might somehow have enough magic left to bring back the one person he truly loved. A tear fell from her eye as she realized he wore it when he first met her, when he brought her back to his castle, when he showed her his kingdom, and even when he stood before all of Narnia waiting to marry her, that horn was tied securely to him.

* * *

Susan counted everything. She watched the seconds turn into minutes, then into hours until it became seven days since she returned. It was useless activity save for the fact that it numbed her a bit to treat her life as something that could be measured, something that did not require feeling to operate.

She did this mostly when she had to be around the king and his wife-to-be, which in her opinion should be limited only to approximately thirty minutes per day—breakfast. Susan felt that life would have been more bearable if she did not have to eat supper with them or attend council meetings with the King, at the urging of the Narnians. She could not refuse her people who loved her as if she never left them. So she endured it, championing their causes, trying to understand their sentiments and threw all her efforts in catching up with their lives to leave her own behind.

In turn, Seraphina did her best to soothe the king's troubled mind by caring for him the only way she knew how. She made things easier for him, preparing things he would need and ensuring that he got enough rest, turning away lords and knights who wished to consult him during the late hours. She listened to him patiently, reminding him about the things he had promised to people and telling him the words he needed to hear.

But she knew this was not enough, for the king's source of true comfort lay in knowing that Queen Susan was untroubled. At first, she thought of reaching out to the queen, speaking with her and becoming her friend, but this was to test her own goodness severely. Her heart was not that kind, nor was she that unselfish. Instead, she chose a more discreet path and simply had her ladies in waiting prepare what the queen needed without her having to ask. They were instructed to know her habits and follow them well so they could anticipate her needs. At least physically, the queen would not want for anything and this was the best Seraphina could promise to her king.

They circled each other, exchanging pleasantries only when necessary. A situation Seraphina felt she was beginning to accept but which agitated Susan more and more as the days passed.

On the seventh night, Susan watched the stars from her balcony as she repeated in her mind the steps she need to take to free all of them from the prison they had created for themselves. Part of her, at least she believed, knew that when she saw Caspian about to marry Seraphina she would have to leave. She knew that she needed to close this chapter of their lives for both their sakes. Susan only prayed she had the courage to leave him again and this time knowing she has nothing to return to.

With a resolute sigh, Susan left her room and sought the tree from which her family left years ago. She knew that Caspian went there to think, an observation she formed in the last few days, feeling a bit of glory at finally discovering something she was sure even Ramandu's daughter did not know.

True enough, Susan found Caspian sitting in front of the tree as if waiting for answers that would never come. Without a sound, she sat next to him, waiting for him to acknowledge her presence.

The king closed his eyes wanting her to leave for he knew in his heart that she came for a reason, one that would cause him anxiety and distress for he would no longer be able to watch over her.

"Please don't ignore me." Susan said quietly

"I need to. I don't want to hear the words you came to say." Caspian said sounding much like a lost child.

"We can't keep living like this, as if we're fragile and we're just waiting for the moment that one of us will break. When that happens, we won't recover from that and you know it." Susan said gently

"What's wrong with wanting to keep you here? You're queen of Narnia, you should be here." Caspian argued

"Is that all?"

"What's wrong with keeping you safe?" he said

"When it's _you_ who wants it, who does it and shows the world why you're doing it—that's what's wrong. Caspian, you're not free anymore. This is wrong. The longer we delay this, the more hurt we inflict on each other and Seraphina, who is innocent." Susan said

They stayed silent for a while. Caspian cleared his throat to speak but hesitated and remained silent.

Susan smiled and turned to face him, "It's only me Caspian. Speak your mind."

"It does not have anything to say that will be easy to hear. I do not wish to hurt you."

"I know but it needs to be said. I'll be strong. I can take it." Susan lied, smiling like she practiced when she was alone

"I will always love you," he said still facing the tree that swayed with the wind that blew through them, "and I miss you now even as you are next to me for I cannot hold you they way I need to. Because of my actions, I have rendered myself useless to the point that I am no longer free to put my arms around you until all the pain is washed away."

Caspian lifted his hand as if to place it on her shoulder but he took it away when she flinched away from his touch, not wanting to feel again how she did when he gave his hand to her the day he saved her.

"I apologize, my queen, for not having enough faith that we would meet again. I'm sorry I wasn't a stronger man and I wasn't able to wait," he paused to steady his voice, "Susan, I'm sorry I did not try hard enough to fight to be with you, to follow you and to love you the way my heart still tells me to."

Susan closed her eyes, taking deep breaths, as she waited for her world to stop spinning. This was her closure, the words she needed to sustain her for the rest of her life in Narnia. It was time to finish their story before they lost the will to do so.

"It's time to stop trying Caspian." Queen Susan said her voice breaking as she placed a hand his, "There is nothing that needs forgiveness but if you wish it then it is yours."

"I will always love you," she continued, "I came back for you but it just didn't turn out like I thought it would. It's enough for me that I saw you again, alive and well. Whether you can believe it or not, I am happy that you have moved on and that my leaving didn't prevent you from living the life Aslan intended for you."

Susan took a deep breath to keep the tears from falling, "But the fact remains, our love is not enough to repair all the hurt inflicted when I returned. We dishonor your word, her love for you and Aslan's will for me to grow in my world if we force what only the two of us will be content with. We're no longer right for each other, my king."

"It never would have worked anyway," Caspian said, smiling softly remembering her parting words.

"And I guess it never will," Susan continued, smiling as well, lifting her hand from his.

They sat there for hours wanting the night to last forever, knowing the morning will even be harder than before. It was Susan who stood up first, determined to follow through her plan.

"Your majesty, there is one last request I need to make, as an old friend. I hope you do not refuse." Susan said formally.

"Anything," Caspian said honestly, feeling he could give her anything she wished at that moment.

"I wish to set out for Aslan's How in the morning, and for that I ask to borrow Destrier, your horse. I am to go alone." Susan said

Caspian nodded. He reached out and held her arm preventing her from leaving just yet.

"It's time I return this to you," he said handing her horn back

It was the last piece of her he held and she had always believed that it would forever be his. Susan did not bother hiding her tears as she picked up the horn from his palm, seeing how empty it was and how much she wanted to fill it with her own hand.

Acting on impulse, Caspian reached out and pulled her into his arms, letting her cry as much as she needed. He memorized how she felt, how she smelled, how she sounded and how perfectly she fit into him. This was enough to last him for as long as he lived. He just needed to say one last thing.

"Whatever happens after today, whatever they tell you or even what you hear from my own lips, none of it will change what I told you tonight. I love you Susan. I always will. Nothing will change that."

"I know." Susan said, giving him one final kiss much like the last, the perfect goodbye.


	4. Breathe

**Breathe**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do own them.**

The queen felt like a fugitive, cloaked in black and fleeing before the sun rose over the Telmarine castle. She walked briskly towards the stables and searched for the horse that the king loaned to her. Susan took a deep breath before approaching Destrier, hoping she wouldn't frighten him. The horse became alert as she neared; relaxing only when he sensed it was an old friend, one whom his master trusted completely.

"We meet again old friend," Susan said soothingly as she stroked his mane, "I need your help to get to Aslan's How. I need your help to get away, old friend, so I can learn to breathe again."

Destrier lowered himself in response, allowing the queen to fix the saddle and mount the horse without any difficulty. They weren't fully out of the stable when she heard movement behind her, another set of hooves trailing them. Susan turned around to face Seraphina atop a white steed, her face angelic but melancholy. The lady bowed her head as she offered the queen a small apologetic smile.

"I apologize if I frightened you," Ramandu's daughter said, "I only wish to ride out with you. I have never been to Aslan's How."

The queen frowned at the complication in her plan but saw no reason to refuse for it was not her place to prevent anyone from paying respects to the great lion.

"You are free to do as you please and I'm grateful for the company. I only wish to warn you that I will not be riding back with you," Susan said honestly, her voice steady and calm

Seraphina nodded and allowed her horse to walk slowly, stopping beside Destrier, "I know," she said looking away as sadness overtook her face, "The king does not hide his heartaches well."

The gentle queen could do nothing but clench her jaw and hold her tongue, fearing the confession that could pour out and ruin her intentions to leave. She gently guided Destrier out with the star's daughter by her side, each second controlling the urge to simply run away from Seraphina.

They were well out of the castle grounds and almost in the woods when the sun rose above them. Susan faced the heavens to allow the sun to warm her as if hoping it would melt the ice in her heart. She felt the eyes of her companion linger on her, watching her every move and waiting for the perfect moment to speak.

"I will not bite, my lady," Susan began, attempting to sound casual, "You are free to talk as you wish."

"I'm sorry. It was rude to stare. I'm afraid I might offend you, but I was only wondering how you appear to be so calm—"

"—when Caspian is anything but calm," Susan said finishing her thought. She gave a small laugh, laced with bitterness, "His innocence always managed to strip away any masks, a kind of honesty I used to only find in children. I, on the other hand, am comfortable with wearing different faces. It's easier to make believe that maybe there's still a happy ending."

"Are you not angry with me?" Seraphina asked hesitantly

Susan smiled at the girl, genuinely surprised, "Am I not supposed to ask you that? After all, I was the uninvited and certainly unwelcome guest at your wedding."

"A queen of Narnia is never an inconvenience, your majesty. The timing may not have been perfect but the honor of your return is no less brilliant, especially for those who had been hoping for so long for such a miracle." Seraphina said quietly

"I am not angry with you," Susan answered reluctantly, "but it would be much easier if I were. I'm sorry I'm harsh but I think you came for the truth and I'm prepared to give it."

Ramandu's daughter smiled, "Yes, I seek answers. The life I'm facing, I do not know if I'm ready for it. The only thing I'm sure of is that I love him. It's everything else I struggle with, if it's even enough. The apprehension was always there, I think, but it was pushed to the surface only when you came along. I suddenly questioned destiny—if there really was no way around fate when you seemingly found one."

Seraphina's face turned serious as she continued, "You were never to return, your majesty that was the truth I was raised to believe. Since I was young I saw how I would meet the man of my dreams, how he would take me to his kingdom, and how we would have a son. Every night since I met him, those visions became clearer and clearer until you came."

"It doesn't mean anything." Susan said flatly

"I don't dream anymore. There's only the endless night and nothing more. Even shadows of the old images are gone." Seraphina said her voice thick with emotion, the loss seemingly more real now that she has told another

"Don't hold on to that, Seraphina," Susan said, "Put your faith in the man who loves you."

"Do you really believe that he loves me? Or that he ever did? He never forgot you." Seraphina said, her pain slowly coming to the surface

Susan took it in stride, "In a different way, yes. How can he not when you picked up the pieces I left behind? If he felt a fraction of my pain when I was in that other world, then you saved him in more ways than I can thank you for."

"Seraphina," the queen continued, closing her eyes to will her own pain away, "You gave him a reason to stay, a hope that things could go on and him along with it. You filled his days with a brightness I never shared with him. With you, he has no fear that at any second you would be taken away and whisked off to another world."

"He loved me because I was the one here," Seraphina said bluntly.

"Being here isn't something to be taken lightly, not when you're from different worlds. It can spell the difference between life and mere existence." Susan said softly turning away, "I didn't say goodbye just so you can push him away."

Ramandu's daughter sighed, "I know. It is a grand gesture, one I believe I can never equal, much like your place in his life. I am not giving up on him but I wonder why you have, when we both know how deeply he cares for you."

"The time I have spent with him," Seraphina continued, "I tried to learn everything about him, wanting to help make his life better somehow. But there was a part of his life I could never touch. You were in a glass case in his life, with guards and velvet ropes to secure your memory. He lived through the memories of you, all of it, good and bad. He held on to it as if it were the very air he breathed. I don't understand why he loved me but I know why he continues to see you in that light."

"And why is that," Susan heard herself ask, her voice a mere whisper that she doubted if Seraphina heard her.

"You say I gave him reason to stay. I am a step short of what you did for him, your majesty. You gave him reason to live, to be a better man and to be a good king for it was the only way he knew how to become worthy of a true queen of Narnia."

Susan closed her eyes, as she took a deep breath, wondering how far her courage can take her. She pulled out her horn and held it before her, both of them staring at how it looked in her thin hand.

"He returned this to me and I accepted. Our story has ended, Seraphina. Just take your place next to him, he needs you. Not me," Susan said firmly, "Come, we are here."

The dismounted and left their horses to graze just outside the doorway to the How. It was serene, a calm descending upon the women as they entered the dark structure. Susan lit a torch and navigated her way to the Stone Table. She marveled at how things were untouched since she left—a monument to the memory of those who fought against Miraz and his army.

"Watch your step, there's a bit of debris to your right," Susan said warning her companion who had stopped abruptly staring at a wall.

It was the simple mural of the kings and queens of old, and another by the side of Mr. Tumnus the faun and the lone lamppost in Narnia. Susan smiled, memories of her first visit to Narnia flooding her mind. She remembered the Golden age as she traced the outlines of her siblings on the wall, wondering how uncomplicated life would have been if they lived out their lives and never returned to London. But she pulled her hand back, as if she was scalded by hot water, when the thought turned into thinking what if she had never met Caspian, and never loved him?

"Are you alright your majesty?" Seraphina asked with concern.

Susan shook her head and shrugged it off. There was nothing wrong with her; just her mind playing tricks on her, she said trying to convince herself. But the pain lingered, in her side, on her back, something burned. She brushed the feeling aside and went on to find the core of the How, sweat steadily forming on her brow.

When at last she found the table, she set the torch on a holder and went straight before it. She placed a hand on the cool surface, wishing it would ease the sensations flowing through her but instead it strengthened the whirlwind of images in her mind. Their faces all blurred together—her family, Caspian, Narnians and Aslan. Visions of her past life merging with her dreams of a future in Narnia filled her head until she could stand no longer.

Susan could not understand what was happening to her and she did not feel how she collapsed on the floor, writhing in agony. She screamed and screamed; the burning pain the only thing on her mind as her knuckles turned white as she gripped the stone table. For a split second, she recognized the trail of blood that ended just beneath her, placing a finger in the small pool. She brought her hand to her face for inspection and with horror in her eyes she looked at Seraphina before she passed out.

Seraphina was in shock wondering if there was a curse that had caused this. She ran to the queen and saw her up close for the first time. Seraphina berated herself for ignoring the slight limp, the pale and sunken eyes, and the faint scars on her hands. She held the queen in her arms, who whimpered in agony when a hand pressed on her back. Seraphina's hands felt wet and the stench of a wound that had failed to heal filled her nostrils.

"Oh, Susan, what have you done? What did you fight to get here?" Seraphina said finally understanding the mystery of her return. Her assumptions that she returned in the same fashion she left were far from the truth, the queen's blood proof that she had clawed her way back to for him.

Her hand trembled as she tried to shift Susan to a more comfortable position, whispering apologies along the way as the queen shook in pain. Seraphina felt helpless as she tore the hem of her skirt to wipe the moisture on the face of the queen as she trembled in her state. It was then that her eyes glimpsed hope—the horn of the gentle queen, strapped to her side. Quickly, she fumbled to get it out and blew it hard has she could, wishing its promise held true that help would come for the dying queen.

* * *

The king was running before the sound faded into an echo. Only Susan's horn could create such a haunting sound, letting cold dread find its way through his body. Caspian allowed his body to move on pure adrenaline, not pausing to think about the certain peril the queen faced—the only reason she would ever dare call for help.

Trumpkin, Glenstorm, and Professor Cornelius all recognized the sound, fear paralyzing them momentarily before speeding off after the king. Caspian spurred his horse to go faster, not caring about those who followed him, a singular goal in his mind. He had to reach her.

Without thinking he went into the direction of Aslan's How, his body registering the distance of the sound as his heart remembered her last request. He concentrated on the path ahead of him, the feel of the wind against his face and the speed at which he went. He ignored the panic that rose in him as the distance grew shorter, trying to block out the thought of not making it in time.

When he caught sight of Destrier, he jumped off his horse and ran the rest of the way not even noticing his horse's white companion. Without a light to guide him, he felt his way through listening intently for Susan.

"Susan!" he yelled, "Where are you?"

"In here!" came a voice he could not place in his frantic state

"Susan!" Caspian yelled again, following the sound of the voice. Finally he saw the faint light of a torch and hurried into the room.

"Oh no," he whispered as he stopped in his tracks finally seeing the limp form of the queen on the ground.

He ran to her and lifted her in his arms. The queen eyes were tightly shut but protested with a loud scream at the pain of being jostled. Alarmed, Caspian laid her down once more, as gently as he could. It was when his arms left her that he saw they were stained a deep red, a color that triggered so much fear in him that he fought to catch his breath.

Seraphina tried to touch him, tried to speak to him but Caspian saw no one else but the queen. She bit her lip and reminded herself that this was not about her and that the important thing was to save the queen but she could not stop the smallest pain as he brushed her aside to give Susan room to breathe.

"Your majesty," Professor Cornelius said gently, "let us take a look at her so we can help her. Please. We must act swiftly."

His instinct to protect her made him want to shield Susan from everyone else. He trusted no one else with her life but the sympathy in his dear professor's eyes enabled him to let go of her. He watched as the old man traced the scars on her arms, injuries he blamed himself for not asking her about. He had seen them but chose not to push her into telling. He should have asked about her limp over and over until she told him the truth, before it was too late.

"The wound is on her back," Seraphina said stepping forward, kneeling in front of the queen, trying gently as she could to open the back of the dress to show them a deep cut—days old and already infected.

"It is not healing as it should and it is poisoning her body," Seraphina said gently, looking up at the centaur pleading with him to explain what the queen had gone through, knowing he could read the truth in her eyes.

"Your majesty, these wounds, if I'm right, are from the journey of the queen to return to us," Glenstorm began, receiving nods of encouragement from Ramandu's daughter.

"I don't know. Maybe, probably." Caspian said frustrated

"Sire," Trumpkin said gently, "These wounds tell a story even I'm afraid to speak. You may not have learned of this when you were young, but us Narnians heard of legends, unspeakable horrors of forcing the portals to open when the magic was not willing. Your majesty, I wish to be mistaken for otherwise these wounds are not ordinary things that heal easily. We have lost a week and may not have any left."

Caspian swallowed the lump in his throat refusing to accept the sentence handed down on them. He could not accept a life that he could not even comfort himself that somewhere she was alive and well. He tried to place a hand on her forehead but she recoiled from it in pain.

"Will she still make it back?" he asked hoarsely

Glenstorm shook his head, "The pain will be too much for her. I'm sorry, your majesty."

"NO! Do not apologize! She is not lost yet! I am not giving up on her!" Caspian said losing his temper, momentarily forgetting these people cared for the queen as well.

He closed his eyes and let his face fall on his hands. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to do. I can't lose her. She can't die because of me. She can't die. I won't let her."

They all fell silent as they watched him lower his head and place a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"Please fight this. Fight for us, please Susan. I know it's not fair to ask after everything you've gone through but I still need you. Please. I love you," he whispered softly.

Susan visibly calmed for a minute until the pain started to rip through her once more. In her haze, she felt his presence. His voice was her anchor to this world and she held on but she knew her grasp was weak and it was only a minute before she plummeted to the bottom again.

"Queen Lucy's cordial, find it." Caspian said the plea evident in his voice.

All four observers left the room but only three headed back to the castle, wondering how much time they had. Seraphina backed into the darkness of the crevice just outside the room where the queen lay thinking how they would never make it back to save her.

She watched the heartbreaking scene unfold before her, seeing the life slip from Caspian as well. Seraphina took a deep breath and realized that this was the moment that she would define her love for him.

As a girl who lived by the edge of the world, a daughter of the star, there was some magic that she knew. The kind she never intended to use for she never thought she would have enough love in her to enable it to succeed. The pain the queen endured was the way of the world to rebel against the changes that were forced upon it. It was a debt to be repaid.

Seraphina took a deep breath as she recalled the rest of the legend—that it mattered not who suffered as long as the debt was settled and balance restored. In this world, only one person was destined for the king, to bear his son and to rule by his side. And Seraphina chose who that would be. She closed her eyes and murmured the words her father forbade her to ever speak. She smiled beatifically, a light seeming to emanate from her, and then she fell to the floor in silent agony as pain radiated through every nerve in her body.

Susan felt him again, wondering how long this will last before blackness took over once more. She felt more detached every second and she wondered if she was slipping away. She rebelled against the thought, trying to force open her eyes instead to see him, comfort him that she was fine. But the dull ache would not leave her and she continued to feel powerless as her body rejected any touch. Her breathing was labored as she continued to struggle. Then came a sudden flash of light and she gave in, allowing the peace to reign over her.

Caspian screamed when he noticed the change, pulling the queen into his arms urgently. His sobs slowed when he realized she was peacefully sleeping, the fits finally over, coming at price paid dearly by one who suffered in silently in the dark.

"Come dear one," Aslan said from behind Seraphina, only a mere whisper of who she used to be, "It is time to go."

Ramandu's daughter nodded but turned around one last time, "I understand you better now, Queen Susan. I only hope you don't waste your chance by fighting the one person you suffered to be with. Don't push him away anymore. He loves you and only you. I know that now."

With a final glimpse, she stared at the man she loved enough to let go.

"I love you." Seraphina whispered simply, a smile lighting her face as she turned to follow Aslan to the land where she would be truly free from pain.


	5. Dawn

**Dawn**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do own them.**

The sun shone brilliantly over them, framed in the clearest blue sky they had ever seen in their lives. It exploded with the dawn of a new hope as the future stretched out endlessly before them. However, the glory that surrounded the king and queen was muted by the guilt that shadowed them as they stepped out of Aslan's How.

Queen Susan lifted her arm to shield her eyes as they adjusted to the light. Her heart was heavy as she cast a glance at Caspian who held the lifeless body of Seraphina in his arms. Even in death, the daughter of the star exuded only sincerity and grace.

"This isn't right, Caspian. I'm the one that's supposed to be…" she said trailing off unable to bring everything to reality with her words.

Caspian could only shake his head as the words to contradict her were left frozen in his throat. He could not find the strength to tell her the first thought that popped in his mind—that he was ridiculously relieved and happy she was alive. It did not feel right to say it, for it meant that he accepted the death of Ramandu's daughter as the price for such a blessing. He could not savor the moment when Susan awoke in his arms, free from pain and well enough to stand on her own with wounds miraculously healed. He could not reminisce without remembering what came after—the horror of discovering his bride-to-be lying on the ground without a breath left in her.

The queen understood his internal struggle and looked away. She felt like a murderer knowing that her return prompted the chain of events that led them to this point. It was on her conscience that this woman died. As she watched the centaur, the dwarf and the old man hurry towards them, she felt like running back inside to try and reclaim her fatal wounds. Glenstorm's eyes opened wide in shock once he saw the woman Caspian held and the one who stood beside him. His disbelief was immediately clouded with the realization of what had occurred, something that did not escape the queen's sharp eyes.

The centaur had confirmed what she had feared, that her life came at the cost of an innocent one, a debt she could never repay. Trumpkin clutched the small bottle of Queen Lucy's cordial as his head dropped with tears flowing continuously from his eyes. Glenstorm stepped forward and lifted the body of Seraphina from Caspian's arms. Professor Cornelius stepped forward and embraced the young king as he wept for his loss—a friend who loved him more than he deserved.

Susan stood alone as she watched everything before her. She stared after the dwarf and the centaur as they crafted something that would hold the body of Seraphina as they transported it back to the castle. She looked on numbly as the king slowly composed himself and mounted his horse. She followed his lead silently atop Destrier, feeling like a trespasser in their moment of grief. They had lost a part of themselves and it was something she could not touch.

The last time she entered the Telmarine castle with the King her ears were met with loud jubilation. But today they were met with stares, whispers and at times, stunned silence as they recognized the fallen. Susan hung her head in shame, wanting to scream out her crime—that she was to blame for all of this. She wanted to apologize to each person who knew and loved Seraphina, tell them that she wished she never returned and that she would leave if it would bring her back. The shame burned in her eyes as the tears fell and she condemned her own foolishness.

The queen felt a soft touch on her hand that caused her to look up. The king took his hand away gently as he shook his head at her, still unable to verbalize his belief that she was not to blame. The king stopped in the middle of the street, looking at the people who had gathered, slowly taking part in the somber procession.

"Today we mourn for a great woman of Narnia. Seraphina…Seraphina was quiet and gentle but she had a strength that I never appreciated until now. She was kind and true to all those she met. She was unselfish and freely gave what others never knew they needed. She understood Narnia and what it stood for. She loved Narnia, she loved us all," Caspian said, pausing to take a deep breath, "I only wish she knew that her efforts did not go unnoticed. I hope that in her heart, she knew that I…that we loved her."

It was when he uttered the words that he felt the true weight of what he felt for Seraphina. It was different sort of emotion from when he lost Susan but no less great. He felt the loss deep in his soul as he realized that he now missed a most loyal ally, who stood by him instead of judging him. He lost a confidante, the person that he could be around without any pretenses. The absence of the familiar presence, the comfort and warmth she brought to him was suddenly gone and he felt unsteady, unsure of where he stood in the world.

Loss and heartache were things that were most familiar to him. He grew up knowing these emotions more than his lessons. For better or for worse, he became a man with all his baggage in tow. But this additional weight on his shoulders was unexpectedly placed upon him and he wasn't able to get his bearings straight.

The boy inside him needed time but it was something he was afraid to ask for as he watched the queen slip away silently from the crowd. He watched her grow smaller and smaller as he tried to fight the impulse to withdraw within himself and wallow in the grief he felt. Caspian knew that if he did not manage the turn of events well, he would be building a wall between them that he might not be able to break down. His grief became her guilt. He felt powerless to stop it and in that moment he gave in—he simply watched her as she disappeared into the distance.

* * *

Ramandu glided into the palace in the dead of night. He walked straight into the throne room where his daughter lay in state, moonlight illuminating her body from a lone open window as the king stood guard. He could almost imagine her merely asleep. Almost.

"Your majesty," the star said greeting the king, his face expressionless and eerily calm.

Caspian approached the man, guilt lining his face, aging it far more than any other tragedy in his life. The king fell to his knees and bowed to the father of Seraphina.

"Sir, I apologize I wasn't able to save her." Caspian said softly. "I will accept any punishment you see fit."

"My daughter loved you. She chose this life because of it; even the death that I knew would come with it. It was her decision not yours. I blame you not, your majesty. Her sacrifice was noble; allow her to take credit for it. Release yourself from any guilt. Tell this to the queen as well. "

Ramandu stepped forward and placed a hand on the forehead of his daughter, allowing a few tears to stain his face.

"My darling daughter, one day, in Aslan's country we will meet again and I shall tell you how much I love you. You shall know how proud I am of you for you know now what love truly means."

The star lifted his daughter in his arms and carried her out of the castle to bring her once more to her first and true home

* * *

Susan gripped the trunk of the tree in front of her trying to pry it open. It was her latest attempt to 'undo' her mistakes and as usual, she was unsuccessful. It had been one month since the death of her almost friend and she mourned for her like a sister. Her death, Susan realized, formed a connection between them that strengthened along with her guilt. She felt like a murderer but no one would hear her confession.

"It won't open. Your attempts are becoming sillier and sillier. Please, your majesty, just stop."

Susan let her arms fall to her side and prepared herself to bolt but Caspian blocked her path.

"Don't run away. I won't let you. It will do no good—not for you and most certainly, not for me."

"It will be easier."

"No it will be more difficult, more painful than you can imagine," he said holding her chin with a finger, "What exactly do you hope to accomplish by leaving? Do you think that you'll be able to leave the guilt behind? Do you think that if you don't see me, you won't see her face in your dreams haunting you? Do you think our love will weaken with the distance? We already know the answer to that one. It won't."

Susan looked at him directly for the first time since Seraphina's death, astounded by his frankness. She saw how tired he was and just how much he was trying—for her. But her stubbornness won out and she replied with as much bluntness he had offered.

"At least I won't add to the guilt every moment I'm happy just being around you."

"She died to make that even possible, for us to be around each other, and you're just throwing that away? You almost died getting back here," Caspian said. Susan's eyes widened at the shock that he finally acknowledged that he knew the truth about her mysterious return, "is your own sacrifice so easily cast aside?"

"You make it sound so simple, your majesty," Susan replied sharply, "But answer me this, aren't you doing the same thing by avoiding me like the plague? I have not been this close to you since that day. In your own way, you're running too. This, all this remorse, won't go away so I might as well not add to it."

"It is not simple! I lost someone I loved! But I'm dealing with it the best way that I can without laying on additional hurt on everyone around me. Mourning for her does not mean I stop loving you. There are some things we have to accept and this is one of them. You're right," he admitted softly looking away, "All of this won't go away but we have to learn to live with it—together. We will grow to accept the pain and appreciate it for what it is. It is not something we can hide from. She's part of us, whether we like it or not. Her death changed things but it doesn't mean I love you less. I still need you. I still want the same things I wanted when I first realized I loved you. I want a life with you it just won't happen overnight. We will need to learn how to be around each other again and that's not going to happen if you run Susan."

"What if we never get past it?" she asked, her voice small like a child

Caspian took a deep breath and held her face in both his hands, "Look at us. We're here together when we should be thousands of years or worlds apart. We did everything fate told us to do, we tried to live out what was set for us but it didn't work because the moment I met you it did not seem right to not have you in my life. There is no other way but to get past this. Love is not something you live to be ashamed of. We will take it one day at a time, even if it takes another thirteen hundred years, I'll live to see the day that we'll look at each other again without the shadows of the past. It is a scar we will bear the rest of our lives but it doesn't have to bleed forever. Promise me you'll stay Susan."

Susan nodded as Caspian pulled her into his arms tightly as he could. In her mind she tried to let go of her doubts, trusting in the feeling that grew in her heart as he held her.

"I promise."

* * *

Susan urged Destrier to go faster even if it was only the moonlight guiding them. The horse trusted her now and obeyed her silent command as they sped through the forest. She stopped counting how long it took to get to their destination for she only focused on getting there.

The queen had awoken in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. She felt restless, unable to remember her dream, save for knowing that she needed to find Aslan and talk to him. Susan decided quickly heading straight for the stables without even looking back if anyone was following her.

They were almost at the How when she felt the shift in her surroundings. Immediately she felt alert that someone was riding alongside them. Her alarm gave into relief when she caught a glimpse of something golden in the distance. She pulled on the reins to tell Destrier to stop and she immediately went down.

Susan kept walking until she saw Aslan's How bathed in moonlight. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she momentarily forgot why she even sought out this place again.

"Even in the day, it is difficult to see through the darkness of this place, dear one. But it is there I assure you," the great lion said beside her

"The land it stands on is tainted by the blood of all those who lost their lives here. I almost joined them Aslan except that Seraphina took my place. I don't deserve to stand next to you Aslan. I disobeyed you, I put someone else in harm's way and I've complicated life for everyone around me beyond belief. Someone died because of me. I just…"

"Everyone in this world is free, as are you and I. Your decision to leave was yours, founded on the faith you had in what I told you—that you have learned all you needed for a life in your world. You chose to return and you fought your way back, even if the pain almost killed you. You chose to love Caspian whether or not there was happiness attached to it. It was your choice as it was Seraphina's to allow the deep magic to allow her wish. She chose to save Caspian by giving him his heart."

"But if I had not come…"

"There is no 'if' in this story my dear Susan. We cannot know what would have been and it will only serve to hold you back from what truly is. In your heart, I trust you know this. I do not think you returned to Narnia only to break your promise to the king."

A faint smile graced the lips of the queen, "I don't think I've broken my oath to Caspian for I mean to return. I only wished to speak to you. I seek your forgiveness for all I've done."

"Dear one, I've given you that a long time ago. I share the pain and the blame of all that has come to pass. It is enough for me that you have followed your heart and stayed true to it. My queen, the forgiveness you seek and most need is your own. You must accept that this is not your fault. What you were given is a gift not a curse."

Susan nodded through her tears as she sat down next to the great lion, burying her face into his mane. Aslan comforted her, blowing his warm breath through her to heal her heartaches.

It was almost sunrise before Susan felt calm enough to speak once more. She felt the beginnings of inner peace as she watched the sky lighten and the How seeming less daunting than before.

"Aslan, I just…I just want to know, how my family is? How much do they know" she said taking a deep breath before continuing, "Have I hurt them as well?"

"They know only that you were lost at sea but I know they trust you are alive and well in Narnia. You will see them again, someday. Have faith dear one." Aslan said gently as he rose to his feet, "I will see you soon my queen. When the time is right, you will know and so will he, then I shall come once more."

"Wait," Susan said, "Before you go, I just want…to thank you for saving my life today, for always coming when we need you."

"Dear one, it is what you do for those you love. Now, it is time for you to go home for the owner of your horse must have already noticed your absence. He will worry." Aslan said with a smile

Susan nodded and watched the great lion disappear into the other side of the forest before riding home herself.

Home. It was a word she repeated in her mind as she rode back. Aslan had acknowledged it so subtly and it felt right to believe that the castle she was returning to was already her home.

With every mile that they journeyed, Susan felt lighter. She reveled in the knowledge that her family knew on some level the truth. She felt peace from the comforting presence of Aslan. But mostly what fueled her to reach Caspian faster was the fact that when all the darkness faded away, she still loved him and that there was hope left in her that they can break free from the chains that held them back.

* * *

Caspian was livid when he found out that Susan was missing and imagined the thousands of dangers she might be facing. The king was about to ride out as well when Susan arrived, her eyes bright and cheeks flushed from the exercise. Caspian wanted to admonish her, remind her of her promise, but all he managed to do was help her down Destrier and pull her in a tight embrace.

"I thought…" Caspian began

"I promised I wouldn't…" she replied

"I know but…"

Susan placed a finger on his lips to silence him, "We're going to be okay. One day at a time, a day closer each time and we'll get there."

"What makes you so sure?" he asked, guarded like she was before with him

"Because I love you, and that is enough."

"Enough for what?" Caspian pressed

"Enough for me to forgive myself in time, enough to be the queen my people need and enough to become the woman you deserve." Susan replied

"You're two out of three." Caspian said with a smile

Susan rolled her eyes and for the first time in months, Narnia heard the gentle queen's laughter fill the air, ringing true with the finality that she was home for good.


	6. The endless sun

**The endless sun**

**Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do own them.**

She was younger but by no means less in wisdom than her siblings. Queen Lucy knew that her faith that Aslan will not abandon Susan is justified. The youngest Pevensie knew that Susan was not lost, contrary to the news that had been brought to their doorstep. She understood the truth behind the turn of events, that Susan had found her way.

She lived her days allowing the world to see her loss. Lucy missed her older sister. The relationship of the two girls could not be compared to what she had with her brothers. Theirs was a different bond and in the light of the sun, she allowed the world to know her pain.

But in the dead of night when the rest of the world was asleep, the young queen of Narnia smiled. She imagined her sister happy in the arms of the man she loved, a fairy tale that played out in her mind. It was not a simple story for she was not ignorant of the possibility that Caspian indeed returned for the star's daughter. Every night, Lucy pictured in her mind how Susan would love Caspian in silence. She saw in her mind how eventually the young king would realize who it was he should choose. The only thing she could not reconcile was exactly how Ramandu's daughter would make a clean break of it all.

There was actually one scene that she could not let go of, the one that entered her mind since she found out that Susan was missing. In her mind it was a similar day to when they left, the skies a clear and crisp blue backdrop to the tree that stood tall before all of Narnia. Again Caspian and Susan stood before all of Narnia, facing each other as if they did not know the world was watching them. And then there was Aslan, his greatness present to bless the union that would bring forth the future kings and queens of the land.

This was the last thought Lucy had in her mind as she felt Edmund's arms go around her, shielding her from something she could barely see. The tale spun into the happy ending as the roaring sound of the train came close—too close. Lucy felt light as she closed her eyes and watched the couple kiss much like she saw them that fateful day, only this time it symbolized the future that was to come. She did not hear Peter scream in horror for the only sound she could recognize was Aslan's mighty roar as the jubilation of Narnia showered Caspian and Susan.

* * *

It felt like breaking through the surface of the sea after believing for a few moments that you were drowning. Queen Susan looked at herself in the mirror and felt like she could breathe normally again. All around her, ladies fussed over her things, making sure they were perfect. She only smiled as she reminded them to calm down and pretend it's just like any other ordinary day. They only replied with a blank look and proceeded as if they never heard her. They were more excited, it seemed making her laugh quietly once more.

This day was almost a year in the making. It had taken that long for her to rebuild her own sense of self-worth and forgive herself completely. To say it was difficult was an understatement for the guilt that racked her spirit seemed chained to her and she could not let go. But the light of Narnia and the love of her king refused to keep her in the dark.

There were days when Caspian would push her to be part of decisions, both important and seemingly trivial, that affected Narnia. He worked to remind the queen of her stature and what she could do for her people. The king directed her eyes to the world, the good she could do instead of wallowing in her own misery.

She stood up to put on her dress and breathed a sigh of relief when she found that it fit her perfectly. Susan twirled and felt the soft swish of the fabric beneath her. She giggled with delight at the sound, finally catching the excitement of those around her. The queen wondered how Caspian would react when he saw her.

"His majesty will be in awe," one of her ladies in waiting murmured, answering the question written plainly on her face.

Susan merely smiled and imagined Caspian recounting the moment of her walking down the aisle after the ceremony, when it was just them and the whole world was asleep. In the past months, this was her favorite part of the day—when she would just sit quietly to listen to Caspian regales her with stories about his day. In those precious moments, the only thing that mattered was his voice and how safe she felt. She felt proud to be his confidante, knowing that he trusted her enough to be that open with her and to listen to her opinion. Susan learned what it meant to be Caspian's friend and for this she was eternally grateful to the woman who died for this to even be possible.

The ghost of an old pain passed through Susan's eyes as she remembered the daughter of the star who must have stood this way once upon a time. She said a silent message of thanks and promised to take care of their love as best and for as long as she could.

"It's time, your majesty," said one of the ladies

The gentle queen nodded and took a deep breath, ready to finally meet her groom.

* * *

The king was not a picture of calm as he paced back and forth before all the people that waited for the bride with him. He fidgeted with his fingers as he walked, ignoring Trumpkin as he rolled his eyes.

"She's coming, your majesty, no need to worry." Trumpkin reminded his king who simply pretended no one had spoken.

Caspian knew that she would come if their fate only depended on their will but he found the rest of the universe quite difficult to trust. Every step they took was dangerous for it might lead to paths that would separate them and he was unsure if they would find their way back again.

He was still counting the seconds, the minutes and the hours he spent with her, wondering how much time they had left and wishing for countless more days with Susan. He lived his life making sure that every moment mattered, that every chance he had he would let her know he loved her. It was a welcome surprise that the queen matched his efforts.

Every day he would find small notes in places he frequented, each one reminding him to be careful, to do well or to simply smile and avoid frowning. He had grown accustomed to watching her take on some of the most persistent members of his council just so she could buy him some time to rest.

Caspian stopped pacing as he remembered the tradition they had developed in the months they had spent together. He recalled how they talked at the end of each day, her face so animated that after a time he could easily discern how she felt or what she was thinking. The king learned to understand her beyond the queen that she was but as a friend that he shared his life with. Many times she was the voice of reason when his own emotions clouded his judgment but even more than that she was the person he could trust with anything and everything.

And now this person was nowhere in sight. Caspian sighed in obvious anxiety and resumed his pacing much to the dismay of the dwarf beside him. The king heard a deep rumbling chuckle that stopped him in his tracks.

"She is on her way, your majesty; there is no need to worry." Aslan said lightly

Immediately Caspian dropped to his knees and bowed to the great lion.

"You're here…" Caspian said, unsure of what to say.

"To bring the peace of mind you seek through the message that this is now her true home. To bless this union of two people who have conquered things that seemed impossible. To bring you hope that even if you have lost so much, there is still much you can expect from this life. I am here, dear one, for these reasons. Do not be afraid. I have not come to take her away. Now, King of Narnia, rise for your queen has arrived."

* * *

To this day, Caspian could not remember clearly what happened past seeing Susan at the end of the aisle as she began to walk towards him. He vaguely recalled his promise of loyalty, companionship and love. He could barely make out the words she spoke as tears streamed down her face in happiness. The only thing he was sure of was Aslan's great roar that sealed their bond as husband and wife that fateful day before all of Narnia.

It didn't matter to him that he could not paint that image as detailed as he wanted to in his mind. The only that was important now was the life he had, the family he had made with Susan. He watched silently, leaning casually by the doorway, as Susan sat on the bed with their son in her arms as she told him a story about the uncles and aunt he never knew.

Rilian was three and was growing up quite fast. He was running the day after he learned to walk and his curiosity was unrivaled. He asked about anything that caught his attention and had taken to forming his own theories about things, even the stars in the sky.

One day, he will ask about how his parents met and the story that unfolded after. Caspian knew it will be his tale to tell. He would tell little Rilian about this other world that his mother came from, the thirteen hundred years that separated them, the horn that caused their fates to be intertwined, the homecoming of his mother and that friend who sacrificed her life for his happiness. But it was not yet that day.

"Father!" his son said finally noticing his presence, "Can you tell me again about when you escaped from the castle in the middle of the night?"

Caspian smiled and sat on the empty side of the bed next to his son, thanking Aslan for this chance to be the father he never had.

* * *

He watched as his father's casket was lowered into the ground beside his mother. Rilian's tears fell on the soft earth they slowly piled on the tomb. Finally, they would be reunited in Aslan's country, this time for keeps. The son finally was able to smile at this thought, knowing what his parents went through and that now they had an eternity together.

Rilian was five when he first asked his mother about how she met the king. It was a quick reply for she simply reminded him about Caspian blowing the horn and magically returning them to Narnia. It was years later, when he was old enough to fancy a girl himself that he asked his father how he fell in love with the queen.

It was epic, the kind of story you could tell years later and it would still hold the audience enraptured and anticipating if there is a happily ever after waiting in the wings. For once, Rilian was silent and merely listened the entire time his father spoke. His insides churned as he learned of the physical pain his mother endured to return. He reached out as his father told him of the dilemma he faced between keeping his word and hurting the woman he loved. Rilian's tears fell, much like they did today, when he learned about Seraphina and what she gave up for his family.

"_Was it worth it?" he had asked his father_

"_I would go through it all over again if it was the only way to have the life I have now. I would do it for your mother and for you. I do not think we would appreciate what we have if not for the things we had to see in this life. I would be a lot weaker a king had I not gone through that. My son, love is not just about the days that you want to stretch out forever but also the moments that feel like it's the end of everything." Caspian answered_

"_What if mother is taken away from us?"_

"_She will not be returned to her world anymore, if that's what you're afraid of. But someday, she will die and she won't be with us for a while." Caspian replied._

"_For a while?" Rilian asked, confused_

"_Ask your mother about Aslan's country but just remember this—someday, when you feel like you're alone in this world, have faith that we'll be waiting for you there." Caspian answered._

Rilian watched the night eclipse what was left of this day. The funeral had long been over and he was the only one who remained. He watched the stars as they shone brightly above him, wondering if Ramandu was still one of them. He wondered if Seraphina was watching too, if she wept for the passing of his father as well.

He sat down on the earth as he watched over the graves of his parents. Tomorrow, he will be king but for tonight he is an orphan, mourning for the loss of the parents who taught him how to live, laugh and love. He curled up into a ball hoping his father spoke the truth that they were waiting for him in Aslan's country.

* * *

"Your son has served Narnia well, dear Susan" Aslan said to his companion

Susan nodded as her eyes surveyed the horizon. The fields before her were still and clothed in the brightness of the sun above them.

"He is my pride and joy Aslan. The moment I held him in my arms all the pains in my heart just melted away and I was released from any doubt that I belonged in Narnia's history they way I did. Rilian breathed new life into that castle and placed everything in perspective. Thank you, Aslan, for helping me accept the consequences of my actions and letting me live the life I've always dreamed of."

"The way you have lived out your days in Narnia as queen, mother and wife is enough thanks for me. I am proud of you, Daughter of Eve, for being greater than the destiny set out for you and for helping King Caspian do just the same."

They stood in companionable silence as they watched the vast land before them. It was minutes or maybe hours before they saw the silhouette of a young man walking alone towards them.

"He's here," Caspian said as he arrived, holding Susan's hand in his own.

Susan turned to Aslan as if asking for permission.

"Go, my child, it is time to be reunited with your son. In time, your siblings will join you but for today embrace our dear Rilian, for he is home at last."

Caspian let the queen's hand go as she ran towards her son. Rilian, upon realizing it was his mother, ran the rest of the way and spun her mother around in a tight embrace. The king followed them out on the field and hugged his son tightly to him.

Seraphina watched silently behind a tree, smiling as she watched the small reunion. She had also been waiting for this day, praying that she would have the chance to see the miracle Caspian and Susan had brought into the world—the son that restored Narnia and justified the part she played in history.

"You are still worth it," she whispered, "My dear Caspian, I love you."

Caspian looked up to see Seraphina standing on a hill. He caught the woman's eye and nodded to her, acknowledging her presence. The king looked at his wife and son before turning to the star's daughter once more.

"Thank you," he whispered, "for letting go."

Caspian took a deep breath and followed his family as they made their way to the heart of Aslan's country where doubt and fear had no place and there was only hope, love and happiness for the rest of forever.

--fin

* * *

**A/N Hope you enjoyed this! :)**


End file.
